I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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