I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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