My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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