i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
