I just saw a hot homeless man
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
