I checked into jail on foursquare
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
