Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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