Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
