"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
