Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
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