she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
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I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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