It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
