Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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