laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
