The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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