I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
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I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
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Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.