His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
