I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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