I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Two words: blizzard sex
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
