I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
