Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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