I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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