you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
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Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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