There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
No subtext here. People are naked.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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