So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
