Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
