I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
