I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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