would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
