You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I still have a little drunk in my system
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
