you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My vagina is officially offended.
You are the jesus of drinking
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
