are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
