why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
