So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
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she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
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I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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