They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
