I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
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