Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
