update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
