piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
