Me. At least after what I've been through.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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