drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
