in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
