census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
