Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
