sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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