Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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