I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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