I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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