just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
His nipple licking is glorious
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