mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
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Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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