I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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