Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
