last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
