he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
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If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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