That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
