mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
