Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
