I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
